29-year-old Kate Middleton, who according to Hello! was “baptised at the age of five months but never took religion further”, has undergone a magic ritual which  instantly transforms her into a “committed Christian”. Lucky that such powerful rites are still available for princesses in the magic Kingdom.

* * *

A Catholic publication aimed at children  has been  slightly mistranslated, giving the impression that Catholics should use contraception. In a Q&A format on the subject of contraception the mistranslation accidentally rendered the text both laudable and reasonable (“a Christian couple can and must be responsible about their capacity of being able to give life”) forcing the publishers to withdraw it immediately.

* * *

Ricky Martin, a gay, is leading young people astray

Demonstrating astute moral sensitivities and a real sense of priority when it comes to the moral lives of young people, Cardinal Luis Aponte Martinez of San Juan, Puerto Rico, has told Ricky Martin that he should stop acting all gay, as his current persona will set a bad example for the yoof.

“Personally I admire Ricky for the great artistic gifts the Lord has given him,” the Cardinal opined, obviously a massive fan, perhaps obsessively so one might speculate, possibly attending his shows and putting up posters of ol’ Leather Pants on his bedroom wall, “but I implore him, for the love of his children …  to strive to be an example for our young people of the important values that we all share, including sexuality.” But not, apparently, including being true to yourself.

“In this way he will be thanking the Lord for the great gifts he has been given.” (God created Ricky Martin’s dancing abilities and singing talent, but had nothing to do with his sexuality.)

It’s okay though, because the Church “does not reject the homosexual person, but rather the actions and conduct that go against morality.” So being gay is okay in the abstract, it’s just acting gay or doing anything perceptibly gay that is wrong in the eyes of GOD Almighty.

* * *

Mental health is a personal attribute accruing to individual people. But is it possible for an organisation to be clinically insane? Bill Donohue’s “Catholic League” does it’s best to prove that it is. This week the League is very angry that the media-created sexual abuse scandal is still rolling on. The League complains that some of these so-called abuse claims go back years – shouldn’t these things just expire after a certain amount of time? – and has some excellent points to make on what’s really going on:

The refrain that child rape is a reality in the Church is twice wrong: let’s get it straight—they weren’t children and they weren’t raped. We know from the John Jay study that most of the victims have been adolescents…

Yeh, take that, all you critics of the Vatican cover-up. It’s adolescent rape, not child rape. Get it right.